Falls Church, VA
Learning to accept that there are things that we cannot control is one of the hardest things that you will have to learn. Another person’s thoughts, decisions, and choices are amongst those things and that’s ok. Once you attain the mentality of letting go, no matter how difficult it is, you’ll be free. It will hurt. It will hurt like a motherfucker. It will hurt for some time; maybe even a long time. But again… that’s ok. You’ll get used to the pain and you will survive; then you will thrive. Focus on yourself, your health, your loved ones, and remember that your dad will always be here for you no matter what.
A good friend of mine, one who I haven’t met yet in person, gave me one of the most solid advice that helped me through this:
“Think about what you would want your son to do when faced with something this hard.”
This has been my mantra day by day. I’m no stoic but I will live with dedication and I try to make every move I make with intention. Thanks Mike. When we do get to finally meet, I got you a beer or 12.
I’ve spoken with Her the last time I went over and stayed at WA. I’ve repeatedly told myself to act firm and not show weakness as I rehearsed what to say and how to say it but that didn’t necessarily work. I was on the verge of breaking down numerous times as I choked with every word as I said that my only concern is you and that our personal decisions in life should not be a factor with raising you. She was indifferent and unwilling to move back to VA so I made the choice to go to you. You need to have access to both of us whenever you need so you can grow up to reach your full potential.
Ezra as I am writing this you are still a young two year old and still full of awe and curiousness… I know that you are already wondering why your parents aren’t together. I know you’re already confused as to why you only see me behind a small cellphone screen and why I’m not there with you every day. You’re one of the brightest kid I’ve ever known (that’s why you also have Akira in your name) and I say that without bias (your dad has 23+ godchildren and I also helped raising my siblings so I know about kids). I want you to know that since the very day you were taken from me, I have not stopped working on making sure that I would be within close proximity to you. I am sorry that you had to experience this at such a young age. You deserve so much more. I want you to always remember that you came to existence because of love and affection.
Your mother and I regardless of our differences consider you as the best thing that’s ever happened to us. It may not have worked out between Her and I but I want you to know this: you are not to blame. Don’t ever think that. Your mother made a choice and I’m sure it was a difficult one to make… every one of us has the right to pursue what we believe is the path to happiness. Did I wish that Her vision of happiness included me? Yes. Yes I did. Your dad fought tooth and nail to try and make Her realize that Her happiness was with us being together… With me. I wanted to rewrite the story that transpired because I wholeheartedly believed (still do) that families should stay together. That was wrong. It was Her story to write, not mine, and that chapter had to end. It may be premature to say right now but when she told me “this was for the best” maybe she was right. Only time will tell. I think things happen exactly how they should even if we don’t understand at the time. Like a friend once said to me: “It’s the sacred timing of the universe.”
Change is difficult. It is constant but human beings are innately hostile towards it in a granular level. Shit Ezi I’m terrified of it. I am scared of what is to come. These drastic changes in my life made me understand humility and with that came acceptance. I am adapting with the circumstances that I have been dealt with and I will overcome this inertia for you and for me kiddo. I’ll be moving 3000 miles away from a place I’ve been familiar with for the last 17 years, a place I’ve lived in longer than anywhere, a place where our family and friends are, a place I can consider my hometown. And that’s ok because I get to do this. After all, where you are is home to me. You are my home.
I’ll end this two part entry with one of my favorite movie scenes. It’s an exchange between Robin Williams and Ben Stiller:
B: “I have no idea what I’m going to do tomorrow.”
R: “How exciting!”
I love you Ezra. Your dad will always be there for you with all the adventures your tomorrow will bring.